Archive for health

Trauma And My Hysterosalpingogram Test (HSG)


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I have mentioned in previous posts that I was using hypnosis and subliminal message tracks to help deal with anxiety around some medical procedures. Well, the one I’ve had done recently that was pretty rough for me was a hysterosalpingogram, commonly just called HSG. I had this test done because my daughter and I have decided that we’d like to try to add a sibling to our family.

I have a history of trauma so getting any kind of procedure involving a speculum, such as a pap smear, is anxiety-producing for me. I seek out female gynecologists, have to go slow through pap smears, and sometimes have had to request a smaller speculum due to extreme muscle tension.

The HSG is a special real-time x-ray that is done at a radiology office to test whether a woman’s fallopian tubes are open. It starts off with an x-ray of the pelvic region. The radiologist then places a speculum. A catheter is then inserted through the cervix and a special dye is injected into the uterus. The radiologist and patient can then watch on a screen visible to both for the dye to flow out through the fallopian tubes. No dye spilling out of the fallopian tubes indicates that the tubes are blocked. In the event of blocked tubes, the doctor said that the only remedy is surgery to unblock the tubes or to use IVF for pregnancy.

I attempted the test…

Unfortunately, for this test there is only one size speculum available because it comes in a kit. The thing almost looked big enough for some livestock, definitely larger than most that I had seen at an OB/GYN! Strike one for me. Secondly, there are only male doctors at the hospital radiology unit that does this procedure. Strike two for me. Third, the radiologist acted like I knew what was going on and maybe like I was livestock; he didn’t warn me about what was going to happen or talk much. Strike three for me; I’m out! And that was with me having taken 800 mg ibuprofen and 2.5 mg Valium (a pretty small dose) 1 hour before the appointment.

When the nurse tells you that they’ll use a “brown soap” (Betadine, basically), and then the radiologist comes in and just basically stabs at your most sensitive area with what amounts to a long Q-tip without even a “by your leave,” you know it’s not going to be pretty. Um, not happening. Seeing how close I was to totally freaking out, the radiologist valiantly decided to do no more harm and stopped the procedure. Unfortunately, that meant another month on birth control pills (to keep the uterine lining thin for the pretty picture), and another month added to the whole process of getting to IUI.

Testing, testing…

So I ordered three recordings of a custom subliminal message track (musical selections: Dream, Waves, Silent) and a custom medical hypnosis CD. The doctor also prescribed some medicine for me–Percocet and Ativan. The reproductive endocrinologist’s (RE) office also managed to schedule me with a semi-retired radiologist who apparently managed to do the procedure for all the patients who couldn’t tolerate the other radiologists.

So prescription in-hand, I set about the task of both psyching myself up and calming myself down. I took the day off work, got my dad and his wife to drive us, and took the Percocet and first Ativan about 1 hour and 10 minutes before my scheduled appointment time. I took the second Ativan about .5 hours later because I didn’t feel anything. Luckily, my appointment started a little late because I didn’t even start to feel the affects of the medications until almost 1.5 hours after taking the first dose! Adrenaline is a powerful thing (yes, I’ve also had dentist appointments where I could not get numb partly because of adrenaline)!


This radiologist had decades of experience and talked his way through the entire procedure. He told me exactly what he was about to do just before he did it so I didn’t have any surprises, he started over again when I asked him to, and he let me breathe when I needed it. Dye spilled out of the right fallopian tube beautifully, followed by a slightly slower spill from the left one, as well as showing that I had no polyps or anything that might interfere with implantation. Huzzah!

The next step in my baby-making saga will be a water ultrasound next week. It was described to me by the reproductive endocrinologist as “similar to the HSG, but not as uncomfortable.” Great. :-/

5 Subliminals I’m Listening To Now

Headphones REVISED

I like the idea of using hypnosis and subliminal messaging to change our lives for the better, but hypnosis is kind of limiting since you pretty much can’t be doing anything else while listening (making walking, I don’t know). That’s why I like subliminals; you can put them on in the background any time as an addition to any hypnosis work you’re currently using. I like to listen to them while doing housework (dishes, laundry, cleaning) as well as while I’m driving to errands.

I have mentioned Vortex Success in previous posts, but I don’t have their downloads so can only listen to them on youtube. A bit limiting since I don’t want to kill my data while I’m out driving around. I’ve been listening to downloads from another company that I use–Real Subliminal. They do it a little differently. Where Vortex Success makes (generally) 1-hour long recordings using a variety of music (some with occasional bell/chime/gong sounds that annoy me), Real Subliminal breaks their recordings into 3 10-minute sections, using a different nature sound for each session. They are separate files so you can play them in any order you want or just repeat a particular soundtrack over and over, maybe looping the ocean wave or thunderstorm soundtrack for 30-60 minutes while you fall asleep. I like the nature sounds better than the random music so I’ve been listening to these more. In fact, I like them so much I thought I would share them. Here goes:

  1. Custom! Say what? Yes, custom! I ordered a custom 20-30 minute track from Real Subliminal using your own affirmations. Their system lets you input up 10-20 affirmations to be used on your recording and they have 10 choices for music, including silent. I ordered it for tolerating medical procedures on a Friday, it arrived in my inbox on the following Monday, and I’ve already listened to it several times.
  2. Needles and Injections Phobia Cure. Can you tell I’m getting some medical stuff done? Yeah, I need to chill a little bit about it. Also, I wonder if playing this for kids from the time they can understand words would help with all those immunizations that they’re supposed to get before school?
  3. Stop Self Sabotage. Seriously, just stop it. I like the one from Real Subliminal because it’s shorter and I like the nature sounds, but the one from Vortex Success is great if you want something that’s more “music” sounding in the background.
  4. End Procrastination. Many of us have a tendency to put off doing things we don’t want to do (laundry, anyone?). I’m sick and tired of it. I’m tired of putting one more piece of paper in a pile and thinking “I’ll take care of that later.” No, I won’t! It will sit there in that pile until the whole reason for receiving the paper is either moot or I owe a late fee! So tired of this. Again, Reals Subliminal for nature sounds, Vortex Success for music. Be advised, though, that the Vortex Success track has binaural beats and some vocals; it’s designed to be listened to with headphones.
  5. Recover From Abusive Childhood, Neglect & Abandonment – Heal the Scars. So many people have gone through bad things as children. We all need to feel a strong connection with a loving parent and it is damaging to not have that early connection. Can a person rise above that and excel and act like they’re not bothered? Sure, but it’s extremely likely to affect their ability to have close relationships in the future. I have listened to the one offered by Vortex Success. Real Subliminal does not offer a similar product, though I would strongly encourage anyone interested in this topic to order a custom track from Real Subliminal with their choice of music. That will be my next pick when I get through the medical stuff. 😉

There they are, running in the background of my days, helping in so many ways. 🙂 What are you listening to?

New Subliminal Added For Those Abused, Neglected Or Abandoned As Children

In today’s post I wanted to spread the word about a new subliminal by Vortex Success on YouTube. It’s called “Recover from Abusive Childhood, Neglect & Abandonment – Heal the Scars.”

Recover from Abusive Childhood, Neglect & Abandonment – Heal the Scars

I’ve listened to it twice now. I think I’m going to add it to my daily “contract with myself” that I’m trying to work on.

On to the update!

  • I went to bed at 1:00 am, earlier than 1:30 am the previous night. I have to work tomorrow at 9:00 am so tonight will be a struggle to get our errands/chores done early enough to eat early enough to go to bed early enough. Ugh. Not fun.
  • I’ve listened to the above subliminal. I plan to listen to the “stop self sabotage” and “stop procrastinating” subliminals while we’re out shopping today.
  • I have not yet listened to today’s hypnosis, but I did set up a daily schedule of hypnosis sessions for Sunday-Friday. Each day has 2-3 sessions in each playlist. The shortest day is 60 minutes and the longest is 98. Most of them are close to 95 minutes. I ordered them so that the “stop self sabotage” session is on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, then alternates with different sessions on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Now to find the time!
  • I made a nighttime hypnosis playlist that can run beside the bed while I’m sleeping. These are longer and by a different company. The reader on these talks..very..slowly..and..calmly..and offers the option of falling asleep at the end of each session. These would be the same 8 every night (9 in the list, but I don’t know if I’ll get to the 9th).

25 Lessons in Hypnosis

I hope I’m not pushing the hypnosis too fast (provided I actually do it). I don’t want to mess anything up any more than it already is!

I know one session at a time will work as I’ve used it in the past for a problem I developed after my divorce where my throat would tighten any time I was around my ex-husband. I was literally going into something like an asthma attack (I have milk asthma) every time he spoke to me! My subconscious was telling me that I had no voice, I was not allowed to speak. I think it’ll be interesting to see if multiple sessions about slightly different subjects each day will have a different effect.

Anyone have experience using multiple hypnosis sessions?

I’m Not Perfect – Catching Up

I didn’t want to write this post. I have been hiding for several days now. It’s easier to hide and do busy work than to admit I’ve fallen off the wagon…again.

I was told to only write positive blog posts. Many of the posts I read on others’ sites seem to come from a place of knowing how to do things, of having their lives together, of being “good enough.” I’m not there yet. And I can’t pretend to be. I’m stuck on the bumpy road of step forward, slide back, step forward, slide back.

So what happened? I got busy expecting company this weekend. I worked on cleaning up the house, washing the guest bedding, moving things out to the shed (that we finally have almost finished painting the inside of; only one bit of flooring that has been primed and still needs paint), and stressing about how I can’t get the whole house “clean enough” to not be embarrassed.

So I’ve been beating myself for getting behind on my contract with myself and for not being on here daily, reporting my failing attempts at self improvement. Well, enough!

The bad:

  • I have not laid down to listen to any hypnosis session since the first day.
  • I did not listen to the subliminal stop self sabotage or the stop procrastination either yesterday or the day before.
  • Bed times and waking times have been all over the place. I was making progress, got my bed time to be as early as midnight, and then stayed up too late cleaning/decluttering for the past three nights so I’m back to 1:00-1:30 am again.
  • I have so much left to declutter that it’s really intimidating. I frequently feel like not even trying.
  • Having to push Kaida so much to help out. I feel guilty for making her help so much, even though I remind myself that she really does have it pretty easy most days.
  • I can’t be working on the inside of the house and on outside projects at the same time. The outside is suffering. The grass is getting too long. The weeds beside the chicken coop look like an overgrown jungle. I’m not exaggerating! Our chickens were eaten by a fox, picked off 1 or 2 at a time as they free-ranged out in the pasture, leaving the ducks in the inside yard to manage bugs and weeds on their own. They apparently don’t eat as many green things as chickens do, though I guess the scratching helped disrupt roots and seeds that the ducks are not bothering. Ugh. It’s a nightmare over there. I just have to accept that I’ll get to it when I get to it.

The good:

  • I had a nap yesterday! Finally! I was so tired when we got home at 5:00 pm that I decided to allow myself to nap even though it was already so late. We weren’t hungry enough to eat dinner yet so I napped. It put us later for bedtime, but I felt better afterwards.
  • Parts of the house actually look decent! As long as we’re looking just at cleanliness and declutteredness (I say it’s a real word!) and not actually looking at the state of the wall paint or trim.

Yes, we really have that many Calico Critter houses!

  • Over the past week, we’ve taken 5 bags of trash and 2 empty paint cans to the dump. We’ve also dropped off a shoe rack and a bag of donations to Goodwill. We’ve started a donation box for Goodwill, but it only had 3 things in it yesterday so I didn’t try to cram it into the car with the trash and other stuff.
  • I built a “mud room” area off the front door using bookcases. I have to work on decluttering a little more around it (clearing up a small open bookcase that holds outside stuff, and taking some things to the barn-shed), but I’m pretty happy with it. It holds all of our current shoes, has a closet bar to hang jackets, a coat rack to hold our farm Carhartts and long farm coats, and a bench on one side with the open bookcase to sit down to put on/take off shoes, Carhartts, etc.

  • We rearranged the living room furniture to be a little more functional. We’ll have more space in the toy/craft area behind one of the settees are we finish decluttering toys and craft materials. We still need pillows for the settees, but I’m going to use blankets wrapped in sheets for now so that I can take the sheets off to wash them (dogs…). Most are 41″ long, but ours are 48″, making it harder for me to find cushions that fit for less than about $250 per settee. So, folded blankets, yeah.

  • I’ve played with Kaida several nights this week. We stayed out last night as the sun went down, playing on the swing set and taking turns listening to music on YouTube, then came inside and played on Roblox. We like to play Epic Minigames. They just did an update and had new games on there. Another evening we played Chutes & Ladders and Candy Land. I think Kaida still likes to play those because she wins both games just about every single time. I almost always end up sliding down too many slides in Chutes & Ladders and picking the peanut card in Candy Land!

So I’m trying again. Back in the saddle. Less talking, more doing, and all that. I’m tired even thinking about it. I think I’ll check the weather (to make sure there’s enough time to work outside before a storm comes), and then take a nap.

I’m not perfect, but I’m trying hard to make progress. I’m also working hard on accepting that I’m going to backslide along the way and that that makes me human, not broken. The struggle is real.

Contract Check-in: Week 1, Day 2

I’m checking in on my contract progress, as promised. The points of my contract-with-myself were:

  • Lay down to listen to a “stop self sabotage” hypnosis at least once a day (1 point per day).
  • Play a “stop self sabotage” subliminal for 1 hour a day while I’m doing other things (maybe while working on dishes, meal prep, organizing/decluttering) (1 point per day).
  • Allow at least one hour for a nap at least 4 days a week. I know most people wouldn’t  be able to do this, but I was at the point of almost being willing to try to file for disability at the end of the 2016 school year (1 point per day).
  • Keep track of what time I go to bed and wake up. Make sure I go to bed at least 5 minutes earlier each night. I’ve tried moving it by 15 or 30 minutes before and it didn’t work. Not only would I not be able to do it, but usually ended up going to bed even later than before (1 point per day).
  • Check in daily on my blog to publicly note my successes or failures (1 point per day).
  • Bonus Round! Extra points for listening to a “stop procrastinating” subliminal every day (1 point per day 😀 ).
Stop Self Sabotage Subliminal

We had to go grocery shopping today and buy paint for the shed interior so I did not take a nap today. Zero nap points. I have not had a chance to pay down with the “stop self sabotage” hypnosis yet. I’ll try to get to that before I go to bed to sleep. No point for that yet, but I’ll come back and update here if I get it done. So far I’m 0 for 2.

I did keep track of what time I went to bed and laid down to sleep (as opposed to looking at my phone or the tv). I thought it was going to be 12:45 am (I finished yesterday’s blog post at about 12:35 am and wrote 12:45 in the hopes that I would actually be in bed. It ended up being 1:15 am! Still earlier than the previous night of about 1:20 am so I’ll take it. I woke up this morning at 8:44 am. Almost 7.5 hours of sleep. I didn’t feel exactly rested, but I felt a lot better than getting 4 hours a few days ago! I’ll set an alarm for tonight to make sure that I’m in bed at least 5 minutes earlier (preferably more, but I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep). One point for this item.

I’m checking in on the blog! One point!

Last but not least, not only did I listen to the “stop self sabotage” subliminal, but I also managed to listen to the “stop procrastinating” subliminal while I was doing stuff around the house. Two points!

Four out of a possible 6 points for today, 5 if I can make myself listen to the hypnosis file.

Stop Procrastination Subliminal

Ooh! I also managed to pot my last honeyberry shrub and a brown turkey fig tree. I hope that I caught the honeyberry in time; it’s looking kind of ragged and I waited too late on all the other ones that I bought (I potted them, but it was too late). I also got some recycling off the front porch that’s been on there for, well, let’s just say too long. It felt good! Progress, however small, should be commended. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself. Yay, me!

A 4-Week Contract With Myself

I’ve been trying to make some changes to my daily routine–as in, getting one! However, I haven’t been able to make any progress. In fact, I’ve actually done the opposite of what I’ve decided I wanted to do!

For example, I’ve said aloud and in previous posts that I wanted to go to bed earlier and literally have not been able to go to sleep before 1:30 am for the 4 nights!! Another example would be deciding that I was ready and finally willing to start losing weight (I want to lose about 30 lbs) only to find myself in Kroger buying a dozen cupcakes or donuts. Marked down, of course, but that’s not the point!

I’m tired of feeling like I’ve become my own worst enemy. I’ve managed to get away from other abusers only to carry on the punishment in their steads. Richard Grannon of Spartan Life Coach has a video about it. It’s the dreaded

Self Sabotage

I guess this has to be the first first area to be tackled then. Unfortunately, I can’t really push dealing with my adrenal fatigue to the back burner any more because the back burner is full. And I’m so over being exhausted, achy, feeling mildly ill, and not being able to even pot some shrubs that I bought because it seems like it’s too much effort, never mind the actual garden.

So, here is my public contract with myself.


For the next almost-4 weeks, July 6 to August 1, I will do the following:

  • Lay down to listen to a “stop self sabotage” hypnosis at least once a day.
  • Play a “stop self sabotage” subliminal for 1 hour a day while I’m doing other things (maybe while working on dishes, meal prep, organizing/decluttering).
  • Allow at least one hour for a nap at least 4 days a week. I know most people wouldn’t  be able to do this, but I was at the point of almost being willing to try to file for disability at the end of the 2016 school year.
  • Keep track of what time I go to bed and wake up. Make sure I go to bed at least 5 minutes earlier each night. I’ve tried moving it by 15 or 30 minutes before and it didn’t work. Not only would I not be able to do it, but usually ended up going to bed even later than before.
  • Check in daily on my blog to publicly note my successes or failures.
  • Bonus Round! Extra points for listening to a “stop procrastinating” subliminal every day (1 point per day 😀 ).

Check in for 7/6/2016: I listened to the “stop self sabotage” hypnosis (it’s only 40 minutes) and then napped while piping the “stop self sabotage” subliminal into one ear. Bed time on 7/5-7/6 was about 1:20 am; bed time 7/6-7/7 was 12:45 1:15 am. Still very late, but definitely an improvement.

I wish I could promise more, but honestly I have so little conscious control right now that I’ll be amazed and overjoyed to nail all of these.

What have you done to overcome self sabotage? How small did your baby steps have to be? Share some below!

A Place To Start

I’ve been putting off doing this initial post for a few weeks now and I finally realized yesterday why I’ve been putting it off. See, I was told a few years ago that it’s best to only write positive posts and I can’t do that.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been trying and trying to find a way to spin where I am beginning this journey to make it be sunshine and lollipops. But it would have been false.

I’m starting in a hole–a dark hole of distrusting everyone and everything; of waking up exhausted and living in pain; of feeling like I can’t handle one more day, one more thing, one more unexpected blow; of feeling like I just can’t do anything about it.

Dark Tunnel

But I don’t want to stay in the hole. I’ve read enough of other people’s stories to start to think that maybe there could be light–dim, perhaps, at the end of my tunnel and air just above the surface of my dark pond (and I’m not afraid to mix my metaphors!).

I will try to use humor (my version of it) to help me through; I always say, the choice is either to laugh or cry. I will, however, always try to be honest and real.

So my battle for my life began yesterday. I have decided to take on adrenal fatigue first. I had my regular bloodwork done and while my thyroid numbers were technically fine (T3, T4, TSH, ferritin), my TSH has gone up markedly over the past 5 years. I know that means my thyroid is struggling to cope. Also, I had a 12-hour salivary hormone test done 5-6 years ago and 3 out of 4 of the cortisol tests were below normal; the 4th (morning) was the lowest normal. I’m going to request a new test when I see my primary care doctor in 2 weeks.

My first step is, for the next week, I will rest when my body says rest. I didn’t do great last night with regards to bedtime–after 11 PM but before midnight, but the night before was 1:30 AM so at least I’m making progress.

Good from yesterday: my daughter and I chased fireflies last night (with our bare hands and no jars) to see how many we could catch. That was really nice.

I’ll update how it goes, one day at a time.